One of the oldest narratives involving spies, along with prostitutes and politicians, is recorded in the Bible, specifically in its Book of Joshua.

Here is my version.

As the army of the ancient Israelites advanced across the land of Canaan, kicking up the desert dust, annoying the scorpions and devouring the fruit of fig trees, the Israelites came upon the enemy city of Jericho, famed for its very high walls.

If you have forgotten the story of how Joshua fought the Battle of Jericho — well, the Bible says Joshua marched his army around the city seven times while his band blew every trumpet they had. (For the band, that was a great gig.) Soon enough, the walls of Jericho came a’tumbling down.

However, before waging that great Biblical battle, even before Joshua told his musicians to bring the house down — err, bring the city walls down — before all of that, Joshua actually wondered whether Jericho was really worth attacking. For, at first, all he saw were Jericho’s very high walls. Very high and very intimidating.

It is at that epic point that we begin this exciting episode of ancient espionage.

To gather some intelligence about Jericho, Joshua ordered a couple of Israelite spies to infiltrate the city. Today, the State of Israel is renowned for its spies, of course. In the 1960s, an Israeli spy was able to infiltrate the government of Syria so convincingly that he nearly became Syria’s Minister of Defense. Really. But everybody must begin as an amateur and, thousands of years ago, Joshua’s two spies were amateurs. Heaven knows what they were thinking, but once inside Jericho they ended up — yes, the Bible really does say this — “inside the house of a harlot whose name was Rahab, and lay there” (Joshua 2:1).

Interesting place to reconnoiter. Especially with an expense account.

Albeit, for a spy to visit a harlot’s house can be a good idea. You can learn quite a bit there. And not just undercover. But to visit a harlot’s house can also be a bad idea. Why? Well, let’s just say that there are numerous risks. Especially if the place is busier than a Men’s Room.

Guess who got exposed almost immediately? I mean noticed. Were the two Israelite spies caught with their pants down? The Bible doesn’t say. But it does say that the King of Jericho ordered the prostitute Rahab — ordered her by name, mind you — to give up the two spies.

Talk about public exposure. For Rahab this situation was, well, not so terribly bad. After all, notoriety helps in the entertainment business. However, notoriety is not so helpful for spies — and so, in her house, Rahab hid the two spies on the roof.

We should all be so clever.

Alas, that great idea did not prevent the Jericho authorities from questioning Rahab about the two spies. So, what did she tell them? What follows here is a contemporary translation.

Very contemporary.

“Well, geez, Your Majesty — like, yeah, those guys were at my house. Like, you know, lots of guys come to my house. Lots of them come more than once. But as for those easy, real light guys—”

“Israelite.”

“Huh? What’d you say, Your Majesty?”

“They were Israelite guys. Not easy, real light guys.”

“Whatever. Anyway, Sire, they, like, left, and I don’t know where they went. Maybe they ran away, through those big city gates of yours. Send somebody after them and I bet you’ll catch them. For sure!”

Well, for some reason the great King believed her. And I can just imagine why.

“Well, Rehab —”

“Rahab, your Majesty. Not Rehab. Unless you’re ordering me to go there?”

“No, not again. Well, Rahab, ordinarily I would play it safe by ordering that you be tortured to death, your family executed, and your house burned to the ground just in case those spies are hiding there, probably on the roof. But not today, Rahab. Just because everybody in Jericho believes that every harlot is a notorious liar, utterly dishonored, an outcast from society, with plenty of local evidence to support that assumption — well, that’s no reason why I shouldn’t believe you. Especially since you have such a pretty face. In fact, I see no reason to place your house under any sort of surveillance. But do keep me appraised, Rahab. Now, how about a goodbye kiss? On the cheek please.”

So Rahab returned to her house. And on the roof, she told the spies everything.

“Guys, the King of Jericho is, like, an idiot! Would you believe he told me to keep him appraised? Like appraised is, like, the right word? He should have said keep him apprised, not appraised. Well, I’ve been appraising his value as a ruler for years now and it’s, like, nothing praiseworthy! The guy is nothing but an odiferous fool-born measle! Yeah, that’s it! Someday a playwright will throw that same insult at somebody else too. For sure!”

Do you know that story about how Moses parted the Red Sea? I thought so. Well, the people of Jericho knew that same story, very well. (Imagine what a local news story that was.) Rahab told the spies that, as a consequence, morale in Jericho had fallen very low, for the story had strongly indicated that Moses had quite a bit of influence with Somebody very powerful — and Rahab herself wanted to be on the winning side. So she offered to help the two spies escape if, in return, they promised that the Israelite army would spare her and her family when the Israelites conquered Jericho.

The two spies replied, “Our life for yours, if ye tell not this our business; and it shall be, when the Lord giveth us the land, that we will deal kindly and truly with thee.”

They spoke so beautifully back then, didn’t they? And in unison. But what did they say? Here is another contemporary translation:

“Okay, Lady, keep quiet about us and it’s a deal. Now get us out of here!”

So, in the dark of the night, Rahab helped the two spies climb over one of Jericho’s walls. Presumably she was a champion body-builder. Or they used a rope.

Subsequently, the spies hid in the mountains for three days and reported back to Joshua. Soon thereafter the battle was fought and won, and the Israelites duly spared Rahab and her family. She renounced her longtime profession, converted to Judaism, and married somebody quite eminent in stature, perhaps even Joshua himself. She is cited in the Bible’s New Testament as an ancestor of Jesus (the Gospel of Matthew 1:5) and also as a person of good works (James 2:25) and faith (Hebrews 11:31, “by faith the harlot Rahab perished not…when she received the spies with peace”).

Respectfully (because all my readers deserve respect),

Reginald Dipwipple

Secret Agent Extraordinaire