In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.

And the Earth was without form and void. And considering what we’ve done to it ever since then, it was probably better off. Oh yes, we miserable humans have filled one millennium after another with — pick your horror — warfare, oppression, pollution, dentistry.

Ponder what might have been if, instead of an apple, Eve had tempted Adam with a Brussels spout. We would all be living in Paradise now. But no, when Adam and Eve were roaming the Garden of Eden, looking for restaurants and a place to park, there were no restaurants, because there were no cities, and consequently there was no Brussels, and consequently there were no Brussels sprouts. It sounds like a conspiracy.

If that weren’t suspicious enough, did you know the forbidden fruit was not really an apple? Today, many Biblical scholars believe what really tempted Adam and Eve was — honest to God, I’m not making this up — a fig. It is a scholarly deduction so profound, it raises a theological question I find unavoidable: Were Adam and Eve deranged? Mentally? Gastronomically? Other scholars contend the forbidden fruit was really a pomegranate. Oh yeah, like that’s more flattering.

At that critical moment in human development, what on Earth were Adam and Eve thinking?

“Greetings, Eve, allow me to introduce myself. I’m your friendly neighborhood Garden snake. I know you’ve never met a talking snake before, but just disregard that reptilian inconsistency and follow my lead. Eve, do you see that tree over there? Yes, that one, surrounded by that fence with the posted sign declaring ‘EATING THIS FRUIT WILL KILL YOU!’ Well, Eve, why not pick off a fig and take a bite? It tastes like chicken.”

Such a snake in the grass. I bet he could sell sour milk to cows.

“Hi, Adam. I just had a lovely talk with a snake!”

“A snake? Eve, I thought you didn’t like snakes. They taste like chicken.”

“Oh, never mind that. Adam, I know we can eat almost any fruit in this magnificently beautiful Garden, including apricots, bananas, chile peppers, dragonfruit, eggfruit, feijoa, goumi, horned-melons, Indian prune, jaboticaba, kumquats, lima beans, monkey-apples, nanny-berries, okra, poisonleaf — well, maybe not poisonleaf — quenepa, rhubarb, silkworm thorn, tamarind, ugli, vanilla, winged beans, xigua, yangmei, and zucchini — but Adam, look at those figs hanging off that tree. Greenish brown and all shriveled up. They just look so yummy! Or maybe the pomegranate?”

“I understand, Eve. In fact, I’ve already completed a thorough analysis of the situation. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. This morning, but not yesterday. My assessment, drawn from the entirety of human experience to date, is that the Almighty Creator of the Universe just mispronounced the word fig. Maybe the forbidden fruit isn’t fig-fruit. Maybe the real danger is pig-fruit!”

Such was the consensus of Mankind. Indeed, unanimous.

But the entirety of Womankind was not so sure.

“Uuuuuhhh…Adam, is there really such a thing as pig-fruit?”

“Why not, Eve? There’s such a thing as snake-fruit. And bear-berries, buffalo-berries, wolf-berries, monkey-apples, even alligator-apples. In some cultures, pigs are considered a forbidden food. Why not pig-fruit?”

“I dunno, Adam. Pig-fruit? I think you-know-WHO would have told us about pig-fruit.”

“It’s easily mispronounced, Eve. Try saying fig fruit three times fast. You see? Eve? Eve, you can stop reciting now. Thank you. Anyway, in my well-informed, pre-scientific opinion, the evidence suggests that figs will taste like ice cream!”

“Ice cream! Golly, Adam! Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Bon appétit!”

So Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit, plucked from the Tree of Knowledge. And behold, with their newly revealed knowledge, they realized they had not tasted ice cream. Then they realized they were stark naked.

“Adam — uuuhh, you’re naked. And I don’t have any fig leaves.”

“Well, Eve, you’re naked too. It’s so indecent. Woof!”

“I like it too, Adam. So tell me, you big husky hunk of singular masculinity, want to fool around?”

“Sure! C’mon! Let’s go romp in the briar patch!”

I’m sure that was a memorable experience.

So, what does the above story have to do with spies? Well, that serpent was the world’s first agent provocateur — an expert in spreading propaganda and fermenting socio-political upheaval. The guy deserves credit.

Respectfully (because all my readers deserve respect),

Reginald Dipwipple

Secret Agent Extraordinaire